01 December 2011

Knocking Nickelodeon

My four year old daughter has been watching Nickelodeon for a while now. Though I don’t resent the shows I have had to give up so she can watch hers or the ones I have had to give up because they have been banned, I do have some issues with a few of the shows.

Olivia : Olivia is ‘the little girl pig with the big imagination’. She’s also precocious, obnoxious, and selfish. I do not like Olivia. If I have to watch pigs, I would prefer to watch Peppa Pig, who is only cheeky compared to Olivia. All the personality issues aside, I often watch these shows with my daughter and I can’t help but wonder about certain things. In the case of Olivia and Peppa and their families I made the mistake of asking my daughter “What do they eat with their eggs?” She looked at me and asked what I meant and I said “You love bacon with your eggs. What does Olivia and her family eat with their eggs?” She smiled and said “Bacon” to which I was quick to point out (because she needs to know these things and how messed up these shows are) that bacon comes from pigs. She wasn’t to thrilled with that little tidbit and took it to her mother. In mere seconds she came running back to me , smiled, and said “Turkey bacon!”. I yelled down the hall to my wife “You don’t know that!” My daughter behind me also added “And mommy said we’ll be getting turkey bacon from now on!” 
Son of a bitch.

Franklin: Why is Franklin (a turtle) the only one who wears any clothes? Bear, Fox, Rabbit, Beaver, and Snail do not wear clothes. Franklin is the only one with a name for that matter. There is some kind of elitist-class thing going on here. Then there is Bear. This kid (and I use the term loosely. He’s twice the size of the rest of his friends) is always hungry. He’s hungry to the point that his friends feel they have to hide their food from him or when food does go missing he is the first one to be suspect. If there was any reality to this at all, Bear would have eaten Rabbit two seasons ago and Franklin would be afraid to come out of his shell. Hell, Bear and Fox should have gone in together and wiped out Beavers family by now. But none of this happens, of course. In the meantime, my daughter thinks all the little woodland creatures are buddy and buddy and no one eats each other or any meat at all for that matter. The one thing I do notice is that the fish are still just fish. They don’t talk or go to school. More elitist-class crap.

Max & Ruby : Here is the description for this bullshit- “Max, a rambunctious and determined three-year-old rabbit, and his big sister, Ruby, a patient, goal-oriented, sometimes restrictive seven-year-old rabbit” . Max is a three year shit that gets out of all the fucking trouble he causes by being cute and his inability to put more than two fucking words together at a time. Ruby is controlling, overbearing, anal,  and is suffering from OCD and and is going to end up a spinster-cat-lady on the other side of town. The real question here is where are the mother fucking parents!!??  They are nowhere. Ever. This is like Home Alone meets The Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane. The grandmother shows up once in a while and she doesn’t even ask where the parents are! She knows what I know and that is that Ruby got pushed to hard or Mom forgot to fluff her fucking pillow and now mom and dad are worm food in the basement. Of course, I am not allowed to voice my opinion around my daughter so I have had to settle for referring to it as The Bad Bunny how, which still gets me the squinty eye across the dinner table.

Yo Gabba Gabba : I’ll keep this one short. One character looks like a fucking dildo (a studded-for-your-pleasure-dildo and he even has just one eye in case you can’t put it all together), another looks like a butt plug, going with this theme the third looks like a damn love mitt, the cat-costumed-one is obviously some reference to pussy,  and the fucking robot is obviously the power supply for the first three because they are all battery-fucking-operated. The host, DJ Lance Rock, dresses the way I imagine Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch did for his senior prom right down to the boom box. Oh, and ‘Gabba Land’! Isn’t that where you go when you get the good crack??! And just what the fuck does Yo Gabba Gabba mean?!?!

There are days where she does not want to watch Nickelodeon. On those days we often end up watching Barney and I realize as bad as I don’t want her to grow up I need her to because I’m liable to throttle the shit out of the first innocent dweeb that crosses my path in a dinosaur costume and it won’t matter what fucking color it is, he’ll be going down.

1 comment:

  1. I certainly hope and pray that my granddaughter is not watching that stuff. Or is it maybe that we as *adults* see these shows through glasses that have been nicked, scratched, broken, stomped on, and beaten up from years of watching/reading news full of bad people, bad times, crappy weather, death, and so on. It could be that. I remember watching cartoons, sci fi movies, Buffalo Bob and Howdy Doody..all balck and white...all were wonderful in my eyes, at that time.