26 August 2011

This Week On The List

Yes. A few folks made 'The List' this week.

1. The day I hand out paychecks is always crazy. Our company payroll system is all over the place from timekeeping methods to putting the whole mess together. Somehow, someone is always off.  I will get a phone call within the first sixty seconds of someone opening their check to tell me they are short thirty minutes or eight hours. What I don’t get is the phone call from the guy I overpay twenty-two hours which happened this week. Usually that check will be cashed long before I am aware of the error. When I told him we would have to deduct it out of his next check he actually asked if I could do it over the course of three checks! I said I could but it would take the next eight checks to do it as we would be paying him his regular pay in installments as well. He cut me a check on the spot. He’ll be on my Watch List.

2. They hired a new clerk at my local Walgreens. As he handed me my pack of cigarettes, he asked for my date of birth. I smiled and said “You think I got these white whiskers and grey hairs from stressing in study hall?” Nothing. SO I gave him my date of birth. Then he asked me to swipe my drivers license through the same machine I swiped my debit card. “Excuse me?” He repeated his request. “No.” I said. He stared at me dumbfounded. I asked him “Why do I need to do this? Didn’t you get enough personal information of my debit card? And where does that info go? Where will the info from my drivers license go? Who wants it? “  The manager came out from behind the photo counter. “We just need you to..” he started. “Need me to what?” I snapped. “At the very least, I have images of my mailbox being filled to busting with flyers from your damn store before I get home because I swiped my license! What else can I expect? Where does the information go? Who are you selling it to?” They both looked at me like deer caught in the headlights. “WHY do I need to swipe my drivers license? Can you tell me?” The manager stuttered “It’s store policy.” “Not good enough!” I picked up my cigarettes. “Here’s my policy. Po wants cigarettes. Po pretends you can’t tell he is old enough to be this kids father and gives up his date of birth. Po pays for cigarettes. Po takes cigarettes and go.” The clerk, not missing a beat looks at me and says “Who is Po?” I actually had to stop and ask myself the same question, which just pissed me off even more. I looked at him as I turned to leave “Don’t worry about it. All you need to know is that you’re on The List.” and I left. I don’t think Po will be going back to Walgreens anytime soon.

3. David Limbaugh. I won’t even post the link. I am so sick of the racist crap.

4. I was in a car accident last week and thought I had escaped with just some stiffness, but ended up going to the ER on Wednesday for incredible chest pain around my chest plate. After determining it wasn’t my heart, they sent me to x-ray. The tech insisted I press my aching chest against the board and as I explained I couldn’t, because of the pain, she was kind enough to show me a way to make the pain even worse by pushing on the back of my shoulders to roll them and my chest up against the board. As I screamed and fell to my knees (which I haven’t done since the kidney stone incident) I had a few choice words for her which were really just variations of the f-bomb interlaced with some of my favorite saints. Amazingly, nothing was broken.

The doc said it was just a deep tissue bruise. He gave me some scripts (I will be opening my own pharmacy soon) and said he would have the nurse give me a couple shots. The nurse came in, very kindly explained what the scripts were and then went over the two shots. One was toradol and the other steroids. She then rather humorously asked me to ‘present the cheek I preferred.” I dropped trou’ and she was quick and clean. Surprisingly, there was very little pain. I think my chest pain kind of over road my ass at this point. At least it did until I hit the parking lot. I suddenly had, for lack of a better phrase, an ass-cramp that would have floored J-Lo. By the time I was three feet from  my truck, I could not move my right leg or hip at all. I stood there, tears coming down my face as people walked up to me. “Are you okay?” I said, tearfully, I wasn’t sure, that I had just had a shot and couldn’t move my leg. They went and got the nurse who injected me.

In the middle of the lot, my ass cramped all to hell and pain spreading down my leg, she looks at me and says “No one ever has a reaction to steroid shots.” “Really?” I whimper. “How bout the toradol?” “No.” she says. “Well, almost no one.” “I see.” I whimper. The cramp is now (excuse me) spreading to my boys and I begin to double over. She grabs my arm and says “What you need to do with a deep muscle shot is walk it off.” She then starts to pull me! “Which is your car?” I am in so much pain, my leg throbbing, my ass totally numb on the right in it’s cramp, and the boys screaming as they try to climb up into my chest. I cannot even speak. I try to turn my head so I can gnash my teeth at her or bite the hand on my arm, but apparently everything wants to cramp up. “YOouu..” is all I can say. I am bent over at the waist as she drags me past my truck. I try to point with the arm she is holding and she tightens her grip “It’s okay. I have you. Just walk it off” We take a few more steps. The ass-cramp is starting to subside, either that or the pain in my boys is just so bad it’s over riding the ass cramp. I am within arms reach of a black Mazda and I slap my free hand on the hood. “HERE!” I spurt out. “Is this your car?” “Y-Y-Yes.” I yank my arm from her.

I am four cars down from my truck. “You really need to keep walking it off.” she says as she reaches for my arm. “N-No.’ I stutter. “I’m fine. I am so fine. Very fine right here. I’m good. I swear. It feels much better. Thank you.” I am actually crying and I cover my face and try to force a smile. When I think I have one, I uncover my face and look up at her (cause I am still bent over) “I’m just fine. I’ll be okay from here.” She looks at me for a second, straightens up and smiles “Well. Okay then. Glad I could help. Have a good day.” She turns and skips back to the building. By the time she disappears through the glass doors I am able to straighten up. I hobble over to my truck. The ass-cramp is just a huge ache. My leg is calming down. The boys are still up in my chest, whimpering. I think I hear one of them “We won’t be coming back down for a while if that’s okay.”  “That’s just fine.” I reply through gritted teeth as I ease myself into my truck. “That’s just fine with me.”


  1. So... Having read the first LIST I have easily concluded that I do not want to make this list. If you are amongst those on the current list , good luck, because I'm not sure how exactly you will get yourself off the list! When Po is pissed ... Po is pissed!!!

  2. Chocolate is a good start. Bombay Sapphire goes even further.

  3. can't wait for the publication of the kidney stone story. Twas a hoot the first time I saw it (don't remember where though).
    Lovin it Po. Thanks for the wit and sharing!

  4. That's why I always mixed those shots are mixed with lidocaine. Sorry you suffered, brudda Po'.

  5. I haven't laughed this much since, well since the last time!! Thank you Po, you're a sweetheart!!